I hate the days when I wake up and something inconsequential drags me under. These are the days when I am more susceptible of being overwhelmed with depression. Although I don't suffer from it constantly, I have battled the big D most of my life.
Today is one of those days. It was a silly poster about cousins that brought it on. Something about how cousins are your first best friends, blah blah blah.
It made me think about my cousins, and the relationships I don't have with them. Instead of best friends from the start, one set of cousins posed as my first adversaries. We didn't have any influence in the decision, of course. One adult's desire to rule and manipulate stripped down any chances of a real friendship forming. Instead, we were pitted against one another, constantly compared. If my cousin was found lacking in an area, I'm not sure which one of us suffered more.
My early days with her were marred by violent fights and constant belittling.
Interestingly enough, I rarely saw my other set of cousins. It wasn't until I was an adult that I started piecing together why. My grandmother constantly manipulated my mother in insisting we only visit her side of the family. We rarely visited Dad's family. I only have a few vague memories of those cousins.
....
Today is just one of those days where the past has gripped me viciously. I won't let it win, though. I'm getting older, and a little bit wiser. I know I have to release the memories with forgiveness, and not dwell on what's happened.
